Men and women are different creatures, no matter how much we hear otherwise. I show women the same respect I show men without issue. Women are not objects to me, I value their opinions and contributions. That being said, ladies, there are rules you need to follow to help smooth our friendship. I hope my female friends will read this and have a laugh, having finally learned why I act so strangely sometimes.
1. Flirting is okay; it’s a light, fun form of interaction. If you touch me while we’re flirting, you’re sending mixed signals to a man in a serious relationship.
2. Friendly cuddles are a great, non-sexual form of bonding that I truly adore. That being said, I will do anything within my power to avoid touching your breasts. When you grab my arm and pull it across your chest for your comfort, you’re making it worse. It’s not because your breasts are bad, it’s because my mind is.
3. At no point in our friendship should I ever know anything about your reproductive cycle. Your wacky system of tubes and things is largely a mystery to me and I’m happier for it. I have been known to make a midnight tampon run before, but avoid getting too specific. You’re getting the variety pack.
4. When you give me a choice between two things and reply, “I don’t care,” unlike a woman, I really don’t.
5. If, at any point during our friendship, I missed an opportunity to sleep with you, keep it to yourself. (16 and counting)
6. If you’re not prepared for an honest answer, don’t ask the question. Remember, you’re not my girlfriend and I don’t have to keep the peace with you. “Does this make me look fat?” and, “Does that make me a slut?” are two excellent ways to end our friendship.
7. Exclaiming, “I’m naked, don’t look!” is counterproductive.
8. Please don’t make me do anything that involves “women’s health.”
9. If you’re in a bad relationship, don’t be surprised or angry when I suggest that you dump the loser.
10. Did I mention your period and/or ovulation cycles? Yeah, it never becomes necessary for me to know about them.
Avoid these things and we’ll get along fine. To my friends, I can picture your nodding heads and dawning comprehension even as I write this. Women are awesome people and I’m happy for those in my life.